Mothers guilt....

Mothers guilt sucks.
& right now, Iam having suffering big time from it. :(

Clothes clothes and more clothes.

clothes! So.many.clothes. Being winter, its been raining almost every frigging day. So the washing has been piling up and up and up. I would have taken a photo, but quite frankly, it was disgusting and smelt.

I would do a load now and again when needed and hang it on a "clothes horse" but still it would take forever to dry, even with the heater set on the highest setting blowing directly onto the clothes oh how I miss our old wood fire!Anywho. I done about 3 loads yesterday with the intention of hanging them up in the teeny bit of sun we had. Then the man came up with the great idea of taking it all to the laundry mat and using their dryers. yay! We dont have to wait 365658538 days for clothes.

Mind you it was ALL kids clothes that had been washed. :/ This is what I now have in my lounge waiting to be put away.

ARGHHHH!

Notice the dress ups over the left side? They somehow made it into the washing :/ The basket on the right? Thats half of what is being taken down to the laundry mat tonight to be dried, bought home and folded by me. *sigh*
Im sure my machine is going to blow up after today, its making a hell of a noise.

Oh did I mention we have to transport that BIG basket plus a couple more and 2 kids into a 2 door excel? Like this?

not my car. But this is what mine looks like. Tiny!

I think that washing clothes is THE most WORST chore about being a mother!

Whats your most hatest chore?

WHY!!!

As you know, my kids are 3 and almost 9. When they were babies, they were good sleepers.

Not now.

Why?

Fucking WHY cant they stay in their own nice little pretty warm beds?

WHY does the almost 9 year old have to wake me at least 5 times a night?

WHY does the 3 year old have to climb in my bed EVERY night?

Also, WHY is it when said 3 year old is sick, its ALWAYS on my side of the bed or on ME?

Another thing that pisses me off.

WHY the fuck does EVERY single tv channel have Justin no balls Beiber trying to convince this tired mummy to buy some shit that she would never get the time to use anyway?

But wait! Theres more!

Do the idiots at the tv stations realise that Mums are up at this hour?

Put something worth watching on while iam stuck out here on the fucking couch!

Im tired. Im very pissed off with children and puppy who just wont shutthefuckupever.

It is 2:30am.

Fml

I just want some fucking sleep!

Men

Men. Most of us have one. Or have at least come across one at some stage of your life.

Ive had mine for almost 11 or 12 years?

Ive learnt some alot of things over the years that have pissed me off pretty much on a daily/weekly basis about this species called man.

Here are mine:

*When we finally get a babysitter who is willing to take the kids over night until say, lunch time, that morning is NOT the time to wake me up at 7am with a raging boner and expect uninterrupted sex. Its just not gonna happen!

*When your 3 year old goes to YOU at stupid o clock wet from piss head to toe, DONT wake me up by saying you need help. Strip the damn kid off, find some fresh clothes and chuck her in our bed. Ill deal with the rest in the morning.

* Dont act as if you have no idea where said 3 year olds fresh clothes are. There is only 1 cupboard in her room, or find something off the floor that is most probably clean anyway!

*Sure, its ok to have a few mates over for drink. Sure, ill take the kids into our room/bed and entertain them with a movie that I hate love just to keep them and you happy.

*But it is NOT ok, to leave your mess covering every bench/table top with empty cans, bottles, cups, sticky spills, food and expect me to clean it in the morning so that our kids can eat in a clean environment.

* When Iam ripping my hair out from frustrating because I have not left the house in 65432335462 days and for 99% of those days the only people I have spoken to are a 8 year old know it all and a 3 year old twinkle twinkle little star.....oh right. I spend most of the time singing songs with the 3 year old. Please for the love of my sanity TAKE ME OUT minus the kids, so that I can have a HOT meal, uninterrrupted and have a semi normal ADULT conversation!

* I understand you work long tiring hours and would like a rest once you get home, but I to work long tiring hours. 24/7. I would like a knock off time as well, but I cant. So since we made these kids, maybe you could use a bit more energy and entertain them while I cook your dinner that I have been trying to cook since lunch time.

*When your 3 year old is screaming her head off in the bath for you because Mum is being mean and washing her hair, fucking come in and talk to her! Dont sit on the couch and ignore those screams!

*For years now you have been saying, inside work is a womans job, and the mans is outside. So why is outside a frigging mess? Oh and why am I out there cleaning it on the weekend while you are inside watching another football game?

*When the rubbish bin is overflowing, dont try and balance more rubbish on top. Take it outside!

*We have a dishwasher, a real one. Not just me who stands at the sink, why is it so hard to rinse off your plate and put it IN the dishwasher. Not on the bench, not left on the table IN the fucking dishwasher!

* Clothes. That funny looking shaped basket type thing? yes, well, that is where dirty washing goes. Not NEXT to, IN it!

* You may find it funny to do a really stinky fart right after I have made the house smell nice and clean, but I dont! So, dont laugh about it when Iam standing there with a knife ready to stab you.

*It is also polite to spray some type of shit smell cover up after you have shat out a dead animal. Also, clean that piss up you just dripped all over the floor. I dont care if "more then 2 shakes is classed as a wank". I dont want to step in your piss.

*What? Its the weekend and the kids are actually playing nicely outside? No, I dont want a quicky! I want to sit in this peaceful silence and read a book!

*Just stop asking for sex. period. Until you have hired me a maid, chef and nanny.

*Its been 11-12 years now. Dont YOU think its time to propose? I do!

*Why is it necessary to have music blaring in my ears, when there are 2 kids screaming in the back seat when Iam trying to drive? Iam on my learners still remember? I need to concentrate! Not listen to screaming swearing music.

*Our 3 year old also does not need to know the alphabet of swear words, so wait to listen to that song that only says fuck, shit, cunt, bitch, for when you are alone in the car.

*When you get home from work and Iam on the floor rocking backwards and forwards crying calling for my mummy, dont ask whats for dinner. Your likely to be attacked from that insane woman who looks like your girlfriend.

*When we decide to buy take out, DONT just assume its my shout, or call out, YOUR shout. I will buy something you dont like just because I can.

Im alone...again

Its Tuesday. Again.

The mans at work. The girls at school/day care.

Its just me, the 2 dogs and the rain
(yes there is lots of housework as well, but im not looking at it)

I know Ive been doing alot of sad, boring, angry posts lately, but Im sure somewhere along the line I warned you.

I love that the man finally has a stable job with a decent income, so bills etc are getting paid, but Im finding myself almost in tears every morning he says bye. Tuesdays and Thursdays are the worst. They are the days when its just me home.

I suffer from depression (cant recall ever dicussing this on here?)

It is being treated, has been for the last 2 1/2 years, but I started to feel horrible again at the end of last year. I had extra stress adding to my already full basket of stress and I could feel myself slowly slipping back into depression.

There are days when I dont want to get out of bed. Or days where I just sit and do nothing. I have no motivation to do anything and when I do do things, im on auto pilot and hating every second of what ever it is iam doing.

I want to be a mummy who plays with her kids. Sits and paints. Goes to the park. Smiles instead of having tears running down her face. To be AWAKE instead of sleeping.

Should make one thing clear. My children are not being neglected through my bad time. They are well fed, bathed, in clean clothes and in a clean environment.  They just dont have a happy mummy. 

The man understands and is quite good about everything. If he comes home to no dinner a messy home and me sitting on my bed just bawling or staring out the window, he is ok about it. He will sit and hug me, make dinner, spend time with the girls and not complain once about it.

If he asks me a question such as, did you manage to wash my work clothes today and I reply with a mouthful of abuse, he takes it. Then says, sit down and calm down. It can be done later.

It really shouldnt be like this though. People around me think that Im normal. Im not normal. My mind is everywhere. If Im not crying, screaming, sleeping, Im blank. Flat. I feel no excitement at anything up coming. Just dread.

A few weeks back I was really bad. Couldnt leave the house to do the shopping. Dread the thought of leaving the house and having to talk to people and pretend that iam happy and everything is okay when its not.

My doctor says I will improve, but when? Its not like depression can be cured. Im going to have it forever.

I know there are going to be good times but I just can not see them at this point.

I hate being alone with my own mind. It thinks wrong. My brain doesnt work normal. Im not normal.

How can I be a good Mummy while im like this? I can sit and have cuddles, but lack any motivation to get up and play.

I just want it to go away. I want to be happy and normal.

ARGHHHHHHH!!!

I HAVE to be adopted.

There is no possible fucking way that I can be related to half of my family. One brother in particular.

I want to punch his head in. He thinks he is so tough and better then anyone, when in reality, he is an abusive selfish bastard who cares only for himself. >:[

And as for his EX girlfriend constantly getting involved in our family matters, well, ARGH! to her. I have NEVER been able to stand her. She lies, she gossips, she is a total BITCH.

Thats what has set me off I think. I wrote something on my sils facebook and the EX ran back to my brother and said blah blah blah (total BULLSHIT) so he gets all pissy and gets her to write a reply supposedly because he cant get onto fb. Anyway. Because he and his EX are dipshits/drama queens, Im now a bad person who abused her brother instead of giving him support when needed. Actually, I dont want to give HIM any support. That may be mean to say, but he has done alot of things over the years that I dont want to support him with anything.

I just cant understand why when people hear something, they can not go and read what was written for their OWN eyes instead of listening to some trouble making bitch. But then, he enjoys the drama as well so I guess Im a little stupid for not understanding. haha!

To my little nephew, I love you millions and I send you all my love and good energy in getting better. Love Aunt Jen.
xoxo

As for my brother, well, your day will come you arse!



Mumma wants to add to the family...

Iam so clucky, it hurts!

I wanted to add to the family when the youngest turned around 3-4.

Maybe try for a boy, but whatever sex, Id be happy.

Call me crazy but Ive always wanted 4 children.

I wish there wasnt so much bullshit happening in my life right now so that I could do what I had planned in my life. 

big sigh