Mothers guilt....

Mothers guilt sucks.
& right now, Iam having suffering big time from it. :(

Clothes clothes and more clothes.

clothes! So.many.clothes. Being winter, its been raining almost every frigging day. So the washing has been piling up and up and up. I would have taken a photo, but quite frankly, it was disgusting and smelt.

I would do a load now and again when needed and hang it on a "clothes horse" but still it would take forever to dry, even with the heater set on the highest setting blowing directly onto the clothes oh how I miss our old wood fire!Anywho. I done about 3 loads yesterday with the intention of hanging them up in the teeny bit of sun we had. Then the man came up with the great idea of taking it all to the laundry mat and using their dryers. yay! We dont have to wait 365658538 days for clothes.

Mind you it was ALL kids clothes that had been washed. :/ This is what I now have in my lounge waiting to be put away.

ARGHHHH!

Notice the dress ups over the left side? They somehow made it into the washing :/ The basket on the right? Thats half of what is being taken down to the laundry mat tonight to be dried, bought home and folded by me. *sigh*
Im sure my machine is going to blow up after today, its making a hell of a noise.

Oh did I mention we have to transport that BIG basket plus a couple more and 2 kids into a 2 door excel? Like this?

not my car. But this is what mine looks like. Tiny!

I think that washing clothes is THE most WORST chore about being a mother!

Whats your most hatest chore?

WHY!!!

As you know, my kids are 3 and almost 9. When they were babies, they were good sleepers.

Not now.

Why?

Fucking WHY cant they stay in their own nice little pretty warm beds?

WHY does the almost 9 year old have to wake me at least 5 times a night?

WHY does the 3 year old have to climb in my bed EVERY night?

Also, WHY is it when said 3 year old is sick, its ALWAYS on my side of the bed or on ME?

Another thing that pisses me off.

WHY the fuck does EVERY single tv channel have Justin no balls Beiber trying to convince this tired mummy to buy some shit that she would never get the time to use anyway?

But wait! Theres more!

Do the idiots at the tv stations realise that Mums are up at this hour?

Put something worth watching on while iam stuck out here on the fucking couch!

Im tired. Im very pissed off with children and puppy who just wont shutthefuckupever.

It is 2:30am.

Fml

I just want some fucking sleep!

Men

Men. Most of us have one. Or have at least come across one at some stage of your life.

Ive had mine for almost 11 or 12 years?

Ive learnt some alot of things over the years that have pissed me off pretty much on a daily/weekly basis about this species called man.

Here are mine:

*When we finally get a babysitter who is willing to take the kids over night until say, lunch time, that morning is NOT the time to wake me up at 7am with a raging boner and expect uninterrupted sex. Its just not gonna happen!

*When your 3 year old goes to YOU at stupid o clock wet from piss head to toe, DONT wake me up by saying you need help. Strip the damn kid off, find some fresh clothes and chuck her in our bed. Ill deal with the rest in the morning.

* Dont act as if you have no idea where said 3 year olds fresh clothes are. There is only 1 cupboard in her room, or find something off the floor that is most probably clean anyway!

*Sure, its ok to have a few mates over for drink. Sure, ill take the kids into our room/bed and entertain them with a movie that I hate love just to keep them and you happy.

*But it is NOT ok, to leave your mess covering every bench/table top with empty cans, bottles, cups, sticky spills, food and expect me to clean it in the morning so that our kids can eat in a clean environment.

* When Iam ripping my hair out from frustrating because I have not left the house in 65432335462 days and for 99% of those days the only people I have spoken to are a 8 year old know it all and a 3 year old twinkle twinkle little star.....oh right. I spend most of the time singing songs with the 3 year old. Please for the love of my sanity TAKE ME OUT minus the kids, so that I can have a HOT meal, uninterrrupted and have a semi normal ADULT conversation!

* I understand you work long tiring hours and would like a rest once you get home, but I to work long tiring hours. 24/7. I would like a knock off time as well, but I cant. So since we made these kids, maybe you could use a bit more energy and entertain them while I cook your dinner that I have been trying to cook since lunch time.

*When your 3 year old is screaming her head off in the bath for you because Mum is being mean and washing her hair, fucking come in and talk to her! Dont sit on the couch and ignore those screams!

*For years now you have been saying, inside work is a womans job, and the mans is outside. So why is outside a frigging mess? Oh and why am I out there cleaning it on the weekend while you are inside watching another football game?

*When the rubbish bin is overflowing, dont try and balance more rubbish on top. Take it outside!

*We have a dishwasher, a real one. Not just me who stands at the sink, why is it so hard to rinse off your plate and put it IN the dishwasher. Not on the bench, not left on the table IN the fucking dishwasher!

* Clothes. That funny looking shaped basket type thing? yes, well, that is where dirty washing goes. Not NEXT to, IN it!

* You may find it funny to do a really stinky fart right after I have made the house smell nice and clean, but I dont! So, dont laugh about it when Iam standing there with a knife ready to stab you.

*It is also polite to spray some type of shit smell cover up after you have shat out a dead animal. Also, clean that piss up you just dripped all over the floor. I dont care if "more then 2 shakes is classed as a wank". I dont want to step in your piss.

*What? Its the weekend and the kids are actually playing nicely outside? No, I dont want a quicky! I want to sit in this peaceful silence and read a book!

*Just stop asking for sex. period. Until you have hired me a maid, chef and nanny.

*Its been 11-12 years now. Dont YOU think its time to propose? I do!

*Why is it necessary to have music blaring in my ears, when there are 2 kids screaming in the back seat when Iam trying to drive? Iam on my learners still remember? I need to concentrate! Not listen to screaming swearing music.

*Our 3 year old also does not need to know the alphabet of swear words, so wait to listen to that song that only says fuck, shit, cunt, bitch, for when you are alone in the car.

*When you get home from work and Iam on the floor rocking backwards and forwards crying calling for my mummy, dont ask whats for dinner. Your likely to be attacked from that insane woman who looks like your girlfriend.

*When we decide to buy take out, DONT just assume its my shout, or call out, YOUR shout. I will buy something you dont like just because I can.

Im alone...again

Its Tuesday. Again.

The mans at work. The girls at school/day care.

Its just me, the 2 dogs and the rain
(yes there is lots of housework as well, but im not looking at it)

I know Ive been doing alot of sad, boring, angry posts lately, but Im sure somewhere along the line I warned you.

I love that the man finally has a stable job with a decent income, so bills etc are getting paid, but Im finding myself almost in tears every morning he says bye. Tuesdays and Thursdays are the worst. They are the days when its just me home.

I suffer from depression (cant recall ever dicussing this on here?)

It is being treated, has been for the last 2 1/2 years, but I started to feel horrible again at the end of last year. I had extra stress adding to my already full basket of stress and I could feel myself slowly slipping back into depression.

There are days when I dont want to get out of bed. Or days where I just sit and do nothing. I have no motivation to do anything and when I do do things, im on auto pilot and hating every second of what ever it is iam doing.

I want to be a mummy who plays with her kids. Sits and paints. Goes to the park. Smiles instead of having tears running down her face. To be AWAKE instead of sleeping.

Should make one thing clear. My children are not being neglected through my bad time. They are well fed, bathed, in clean clothes and in a clean environment.  They just dont have a happy mummy. 

The man understands and is quite good about everything. If he comes home to no dinner a messy home and me sitting on my bed just bawling or staring out the window, he is ok about it. He will sit and hug me, make dinner, spend time with the girls and not complain once about it.

If he asks me a question such as, did you manage to wash my work clothes today and I reply with a mouthful of abuse, he takes it. Then says, sit down and calm down. It can be done later.

It really shouldnt be like this though. People around me think that Im normal. Im not normal. My mind is everywhere. If Im not crying, screaming, sleeping, Im blank. Flat. I feel no excitement at anything up coming. Just dread.

A few weeks back I was really bad. Couldnt leave the house to do the shopping. Dread the thought of leaving the house and having to talk to people and pretend that iam happy and everything is okay when its not.

My doctor says I will improve, but when? Its not like depression can be cured. Im going to have it forever.

I know there are going to be good times but I just can not see them at this point.

I hate being alone with my own mind. It thinks wrong. My brain doesnt work normal. Im not normal.

How can I be a good Mummy while im like this? I can sit and have cuddles, but lack any motivation to get up and play.

I just want it to go away. I want to be happy and normal.

ARGHHHHHHH!!!

I HAVE to be adopted.

There is no possible fucking way that I can be related to half of my family. One brother in particular.

I want to punch his head in. He thinks he is so tough and better then anyone, when in reality, he is an abusive selfish bastard who cares only for himself. >:[

And as for his EX girlfriend constantly getting involved in our family matters, well, ARGH! to her. I have NEVER been able to stand her. She lies, she gossips, she is a total BITCH.

Thats what has set me off I think. I wrote something on my sils facebook and the EX ran back to my brother and said blah blah blah (total BULLSHIT) so he gets all pissy and gets her to write a reply supposedly because he cant get onto fb. Anyway. Because he and his EX are dipshits/drama queens, Im now a bad person who abused her brother instead of giving him support when needed. Actually, I dont want to give HIM any support. That may be mean to say, but he has done alot of things over the years that I dont want to support him with anything.

I just cant understand why when people hear something, they can not go and read what was written for their OWN eyes instead of listening to some trouble making bitch. But then, he enjoys the drama as well so I guess Im a little stupid for not understanding. haha!

To my little nephew, I love you millions and I send you all my love and good energy in getting better. Love Aunt Jen.
xoxo

As for my brother, well, your day will come you arse!



Mumma wants to add to the family...

Iam so clucky, it hurts!

I wanted to add to the family when the youngest turned around 3-4.

Maybe try for a boy, but whatever sex, Id be happy.

Call me crazy but Ive always wanted 4 children.

I wish there wasnt so much bullshit happening in my life right now so that I could do what I had planned in my life. 

big sigh

Jenni no friends.....

The mans at work. The kids are in school.

Im all home alone.

and im so freaking lonely and bored!I know, I know. Your all probably sitting there saying wtf?! Your home alone girl! Go out and have a fun day. Visit some friends!

And i would if I could, But im
jenninofriendsI had friends, but then the man got ill, we were having kids. They were still partying or moving away. And the ones that did stick around, well we basically drifted apart. I believe I tried hard enough to keep the friendships alive, but no one else seemed bothered. So I gave up.

& why should it be me who has to visit them all the time? They know where I live. Its on the MAIN road.

Anyway. So im home and im bored with only a tradie to keep me company, but he is almost done. Then it will just be little  big old me.

I think Ill go shopping......


****************************************

Back from shopping. Bought nothing exciting. Decided it was probably also a good time to get some food in the house. Ive been avoiding it for a couple of weeks, surviving on the basics.
It was crap. I was so over it by the end I was throwing things into the trolley. I even bought food items I never usually do. Must have been the mood I was in. Wasnt a happy one.
Still have to make a visit to the veg shop :/
*sigh*

Got home after spending $5537429 on groceries to the elec bill sitting in the bottom of the letter box laughing at me. bastards.
Am ok about it though as its finally under $500! Thank frigging gawd these people I live with are FINALLY listening to me and turning things off when not in use!

An hour left of me time. Then chaos. I think its going to be fish and wedges cooked in the oven tonight for tea.

Right now

Right now, I feel like ripping someones head off.

Dinner needs to be made, I hate cooking and dont want to do it. I have to hang out sheets but it wont stop fucking raining. I have a pain in the back of my head/neck that is driving me mental and the god damn fucking tv wont work properly so I cant drown out the girls fighting!

Fuck. Shit. Cunt.

I felt ok earlier then the tv shat itself. Then the 3 yr old threw a tanty because i said no more tv. Then the 8 year old got home upset because she had been teased and left alone by some bitchy girls in her class, which she then started doing to her sister. Being an absolute smart arse bitch with an attitude that belongs on a teenager.

Argh! Its 5:30. The man will be home soon and I just feel like fucking screaming and stabbing something.

He works all day then has to come home to me. fun.

why cant I be fucking god damn normal! 

Oh what a life!

Im not even sure where to start. Or how much to reveal.

Im tired. Mentally tired.

Its gotten to the point of I want to run and not turn back. ever.

But having 2 small children to think of, running isnt an option, but staying isnt either.

Ive told the man how I feel. Ive been open and honest and told him there isnt much more I can take and for me to live a happy normal life and be a happy normal loving mother, we will separate. And I stand by that. 

He is a victim in this aswell. Not the problem. The problem is someone close to us that suddenly has all this hate for me and wants to make me miserable. I love him with my whole heart. He is my best friend, my soul mate. When I think of my plans for the future he has always been there. But now, Im planning things without him being in them. Just so I can smile.

Its not fair that in order for me to live my life happily, that I have to leave the man I love. But I dont see any other option?

Do you know what it feels like to be bawling your eyes out everyday & have your little 3 year old ask why are you crying mummy?

To now know that a person you used to look up to is now trying to tear your life apart, no matter what it takes?

To be suffering from depression & then have all this extra stress added.

I can barely function some days. I go on auto pilot and do things, but dont even remember doing them. Ask me the day of the week and guaranteed ill give you an incorrect answer.

I cant even drive because my mind can not stay on the one thing. Yes I almost did rear end another car whilst driving my Mums car :/


Im stuck in a place that is not happy.

I cant do it anymore.

I want out.

Introducing......

Mia-Louise

Ok, so we had been speaking about getting a smaller dog for our girls as our 9 year old is a big boy and I cant walk him let alone the girls! I thought it over for 6 weeks before finally getting this beautiful little girl. At first I had dead set said no! But I caved in a weak moment.
Im also hoping that she will make myself start feeling a little better. :)

Our 3 gorgeous girls



A quick note...

So, I have de-activated my facebook account for awhile. I wrote a status tonight whilst feeling generally mentally unwell. A few beautiful lovely ladies asked me if I were ok and said they were their for me. A few of them I know only wrote things as they wanted to know what was the latest gossip in my life (they were family members, so no offence to any of the other ladies who asked after me)

Anyway, after writing a reply to someone, a panic attack appeared out of no where. I felt like I couldnt breathe. And was gasping for air. As soon as the man asked if I was ok, I fled the room. I literally jumped onto my bed and hid under the blanket. The man followed being really worried and held me while I took big gulps of air through large sobs and shaking all over.
I have experienced these before, but not to that extreme. Well, not that I can remember at this point. I do remember a few weeks back whilst shopping with the 3 year old and her going off with nanna that I experienced something of the sort.

The man goes back to work tomorrow after his 2 days off, and im scared. Scared of having another attack whilst home alone with the 3yr old. And no before you ask, there isnt anyone I could call to come sit with me as they couldnt give a shit about my mental health. Oh sure they promise to answer their phones no matter what time day or night but i have learnt that its all fake help. My calls for help go unanswered as do my txt messages. My own mother has the maturity of a 10 year old, so not much help there. And friends? HAHA! The only real friends I have are a few on fb who actually seem to give shit about someone else. I have no face to face friends here that will come running to me as I did once for them. pfft.

Anyway. The whole point of this post was to say to those few beautiful ladies who do care, iam not ignoring you. I have just de-activated my fb account as i need a break. If that makes any sense?
(ps. If anyone can direct the gorgeous kellie over this way, it would be muchly appreciated, have not yet mastered the art of sending a follow me request! if it is possible?)
So peace out ladies. Im off to the land of nod.

Family

This is what I picture in my mind when I think of families

In reality this is what my family is like...

and this folks is me...

Iam also ashamed to admit, Iam outcasted from relatives all because Iam my mothers daughter.
*sigh*

I really do wish I were adopted.

ps. Iam not meaning my gorgeous little family at home. :)

school holidays...

School holidays are upon us.

Dear god Help this mumma to get through the holidays.

Iam NOT one of those Mums who burst with excitement at the thought of school holidays. Dont get me wrong, I love to spend time with my girls.
All sight of our routine during school terms goes flying out the window. My girls seem to think that all rules go flying as well. Sleep ins? yeah right! They still wake at 6:30am and the fighting begins at 6:31am. I have trouble keeping my girls entertained for the weekend, let alone 2 whole frigging weeks! Bed times? "but its the holidays" Hey! well maybe if you stayed in bed past 6:30am I would maybe think about letting you stay up later.
We also have the pleasure of having the mans 2 younger sisters stay with us for a week or so. I know right? 4 girls! under the same roof. insane! Oh, and not too forget I had arranged a play date for today with a school friend which I had forgotten about until yesterday! *sigh*

So if you see a lady looking like this

wandering around the shopping centre or streets, dont be alarmed. Its just school holidays.

Happy Easter Everyone!

let me live

Please. Let me live my life the way I want. The way I deserve. Iam doing it the right way. But you can not see that because you are too messed up.
Iam tired in every way possible. Iam struggling too. Why can you not see this?
My mind never switches off. It is constantly going and going.

Is it possible for a person to forget how to relax? I think it is. And im one of them. I lay in bed and can not relax, cant just let my body go. Its like im afraid to relax. I can feel my body going tight when I try to sleep. I wake up during the night with my nails digging into the palm of my hand. My hands in a tight fist. Just squeezing. I wake in the morning aching all over.
I just want you gone. Away.

16 and pregnet.....

& scared shitless!



Ive heard their are shows on austar, foxtel etc about teenage pregnancys. Ive never seen the shows, so I cant comment about them but I can tell you MY story about being 16 and pregnet......

November 14th 2001-

It is a day that my life changed for ever. It was the mans birthday. I just felt something wasnt right. Ive never been one to keep track of my periods. Dont ask why. I just dont.

We were getting a lift over to a friends house and on the way I blurted out to her boyfriend, does she have any pregnancy tests left? Everyone went quiet. The boyfriend finally spoke up and said yes she does (I should probably add, that these friends were older then us. 19 and 25? and had just found out they were expecting a few weeks prior)

We get to the friends house and he goes and has a quiet word to his girlfriend. She comes up to me and hands me a test. I go into the toilet (have avoided all eye contact with the man at this point) do the test and sit and wait. and wait. and wait. Too scared to look. The female friend knocks gently on the door and asks me if im ok. I unlock the door and admit Im too scared to look, but its probably ok. She says, Ill look for you. I think, ok. She looks and her face drops. I dont know why, but I think. Oh! Im right, its ok. im not pregnet. I now realise how naive I was. She hands me the test and says, Its positive. Im stunned. I stand there for what seems like ages with my mouth open just staring at this stick waiting for the extra line to just disappear.

The friend says all the things you want to hear, its ok. Things will work out. How? Im 16 pregnet and can not tell my mum. She was a harsh bitch back then. I was afraid of her truth be told.
I finally "snap" out of it. Go outside and sit next to the man. Not really sure how to break the news to him. I guess he kinda knew though. He just looked at me, hugged me and said. Its ok. Im not going anywhere.
I didnt cry, scream, anything. Just sat thinking, how did I get myself in this mess? obviously I know HOW, but why hadnt we been more careful? I was disappointed in myself.

Now that I think back to it all, Im not all that surprised it happened. Im not saying I slept around with a heap of guys, the man was the 2nd guy I had ever slept with. And still is to this day. Im more saying, the way my home life was. No bond with my Mum, I certaintly couldnt go to her and ask for help with getting on some sort of type of contraception. We didnt talk like a mother and daughter should. She was too busy yelling and doing other things...but Ill save that for another time.

So there I sat. 16 pregnet and shit scared.

We finally got up and went to the mans house. Hiding out in his room talking about what was the best way of telling at least his Mum? I felt I could talk to her, so i did. I went and sat next to her, got up, walked out, sat down, got up, sat down, got up....she said. Sit. Tell me. Whats happened? She gives me a cigarette (total bad ass smoking at 16!) gives me a second and says, your pregnet? Thats when the tears come. I guess the man was standing in the hall way listening the goob and comes in. His mum looks at him and he cheekily says Hi Grandma! Her reply? No! Im too young to be grandma, ill be nanna. That was the type of relationship they used to have. We all sat and talked for abit trying to decide what is the best thing for us to do. We thought about it for a week and I decided that i couldnt have it. I was having an abortion. The appointment was made.

The morning of the appointment I woke up to the man sitting on the end of the bed. I said, whats wrong? He said, I dont want you to have it. Im like, well I know. Ive already decided Im not. He replies, no. I mean, I want you to have the baby. I was annoyed. Id already decided I wasnt going to, but I hadnt actually thought to ask him what he was feeling. I said, no. Ive made up my mind Im going. So we get ready and drive to this place. Im given paper work to fill out and told to drink water for the ultrasound. Im looking around the room at all these woman thinking, wow. Some were really notciebly pregnet. What does the baby have? What does it look like? Can it move? Those places certaintly give you enough time to think about it some more. Sitting in the waiting room really gets you thinking. I was thinking, what could our baby look like? Would it be a girl or boy? Should I or shouldnt I? I was confused. I was scared, but then I was determined. I thought, why shouldnt this child be given a chance? If not raised by me, then why not someone else? Im glad to say that going up to that reception desk and saying, No. Iam not having an abortion was definetly one of the best things I have ever done.

Of course, we were asked to sit and wait and talk it through with the doctors and counsellor. We had an ultrasound and the moment I seen that little heartbeat and heard the words, 8 weeks. I knew I had made the right choose. The counsellor was convinced that we shouldnt go through with the pregnancy. What about your school? My grades were down anyway. I lost interest in school when my mother seemed to lose interest with me. I did try and keep up with the work by homeschooling, but I was just too tired to concentrate. That is one regret. I should have tried harder.

7 months later I wake up very early with cramping, which I put down to "poo cramps" I sat at the kitchen table for a couple of hrs, not moving. Not realising it was labour. haha! god, I had NO idea did I?
we were living in our own little unit right next door to my mums (oh, she finally found out I was pregnet when I was 6 months gone, I was quite good at hiding it and very surprised she wasnt mad)

She had stopped in to see if we were ok and must have realised something was up, I was alot quieter then normal. I told her how I was feeling and she said honey, your in labour. denial set in. (am I the only mother in this worl who denies she is in labour because she is instantly shit scared? Both times Ive said NO IM NOT!)

I finally give in and go to the local hospital, the man driving like a maniac afraid its just going to come out in his car. lol. Get to the hospital where they can not get in contact with my doctor and are saying Iam in premature labour. I insist Iam not. I worked it out. Im due. They argue with me and send me to Adelaide where 13 1/2 hours later I give birth to a beautiful, over done!, 7p 9oz beautiful baby girl. drug free. Tears, so many! From me. Relief? Or happiness? both.

I wish I could say that it was a happy time at that hospital, but it wasnt. I was woken at 3am by a nurse, saying she had to take the baby down to the nursery because she had a "infection" what type? I have no idea. They never told me. I was so exhausted I just agreed with her. I drifted back to sleep and woke up at 6am wanting my baby. I buzzed for the nurse who took me down to the nursery so i could feed. I wasnt left alone for a second. They hovered over me constantly. As soon as she was fed, they took her back to the doctor. I was then taking straight back to my room where I bawled my eyes out with the nurse saying whats wrong? I couldnt speak through the tears so she left the room. I woke the man up and told him what had happened and he said, she is our baby. Lets go and see her.

Once again. They hovered over us. Not leaving us alone to spend those precious moments with her. Finally, after asking a million times, why is she down here? a doctor comes over. Thats when the questions start. Why didnt you have an abortion? You should adopt her out, you cant give her a good life. The adoption suggestion came up more times then I can remember. He was like a drill sergeant. I was honestly thinking he was going to take our baby. In the end, I guess we had answered all his questions correctly because he left us alone and we were allowed to take her back to my room.

My Mum came back to the hospital later that day with my eldest and only sister i miss her so much :(  They asked how the night and morning went and I dont believe I have ever seen my sister so mad before. She got up and marched out demanding to know why I was treated like that and wanting to know what infection? No one could answer that question. I believe it was just something they said so they could try and take her.

I was so happy to walk out of that hospital. I have refused to go there ever since.

 

The boring bits......

You will have to bare with me while I work out this blogging thing....

Firstly, you are most probably wondering why on earth did she choose that horrid photo as her "main" picture? Well, because that is really who Iam.

Iam the mum of the 2 little pretty girls who wears her boyfriends tracky pants with thongs to the shops. Iam the one, who gets up and doesnt look in a mirror until close to bedtime. Iam the one, who if she can get away with it, wont brush her hair all weekend and will stay in her jammies. Iam the one, who the hairdresser says to "you haven't had your hair done in how long?!" Iam the one who, can give birth, but can not bring herself to pluck her eyebrows. Iam the one who, wont shave her legs all winter long. Iam the one who, doesnt own makeup or even a dress.

Iam, the daggy Mum.

Yep. Thats me. (well, not ALL of me)

I have good parts to me as well. Actually the best parts of me would be these 2 beauties....

 

 



Darling Daughter 1- Darling Daughter 2





They are my everything. They make me laugh, smile and even cry at times. Sometimes happy tears, sometimes sad tears. But they are still my everything. My 2 little blonde haired blue eyed baby girls. The total opposite of one another. The eldest blondie, so serious at times, bossy but shy. So loving and caring. My little worrier. A Mummys girl.

The little blondie, so bouncy, happy always smiling. Loves to play jokes. Talking from dawn to dusk. A Daddys girl. From day 1, always a Daddys girl.

There is a man about the house. My teenage sweetheart. 11 years, 2 children and no ring. Not even a proposal. Of course we have talked about it, he says we will one day. Ive no idea when that one day will come. Id like to be more then just the girlfriend. I suppose I should just be happy he is still here. Through all the bad times, he has still been there. When I pushed him away, he still stayed. When I told him those words at the tender age of 16, "im pregnet" he still stayed. I have so much love for him. He is a great man. Even when Im mad at him, he is still great.

There is also a dog. One we saved from being beaten daily and has been with us for almost 9 years. He is like a child at times, playful and naughty.

Im not really sure what iam going to use this blog for, or even for how long or how often. But the one thing I do know is, it is going to be me. The real me and how Iam feeling at that time of writing. They are going to be my stories and my feelings. I dont want to be judged. I do not want to receive harshful comments. I take things to heart. There is more then likely going to be alot of whinging posts full of foul language. I may even just use it to vent my anger and disappointments in life. I havent quite decided. 

I also may start off talking about one topic and then get completly sidetracked and start writing about what ever is on my mind that has nothing to do with the topic at the time.  

but thats just me.