Right now

Right now, I feel like ripping someones head off.

Dinner needs to be made, I hate cooking and dont want to do it. I have to hang out sheets but it wont stop fucking raining. I have a pain in the back of my head/neck that is driving me mental and the god damn fucking tv wont work properly so I cant drown out the girls fighting!

Fuck. Shit. Cunt.

I felt ok earlier then the tv shat itself. Then the 3 yr old threw a tanty because i said no more tv. Then the 8 year old got home upset because she had been teased and left alone by some bitchy girls in her class, which she then started doing to her sister. Being an absolute smart arse bitch with an attitude that belongs on a teenager.

Argh! Its 5:30. The man will be home soon and I just feel like fucking screaming and stabbing something.

He works all day then has to come home to me. fun.

why cant I be fucking god damn normal! 

Oh what a life!

Im not even sure where to start. Or how much to reveal.

Im tired. Mentally tired.

Its gotten to the point of I want to run and not turn back. ever.

But having 2 small children to think of, running isnt an option, but staying isnt either.

Ive told the man how I feel. Ive been open and honest and told him there isnt much more I can take and for me to live a happy normal life and be a happy normal loving mother, we will separate. And I stand by that. 

He is a victim in this aswell. Not the problem. The problem is someone close to us that suddenly has all this hate for me and wants to make me miserable. I love him with my whole heart. He is my best friend, my soul mate. When I think of my plans for the future he has always been there. But now, Im planning things without him being in them. Just so I can smile.

Its not fair that in order for me to live my life happily, that I have to leave the man I love. But I dont see any other option?

Do you know what it feels like to be bawling your eyes out everyday & have your little 3 year old ask why are you crying mummy?

To now know that a person you used to look up to is now trying to tear your life apart, no matter what it takes?

To be suffering from depression & then have all this extra stress added.

I can barely function some days. I go on auto pilot and do things, but dont even remember doing them. Ask me the day of the week and guaranteed ill give you an incorrect answer.

I cant even drive because my mind can not stay on the one thing. Yes I almost did rear end another car whilst driving my Mums car :/


Im stuck in a place that is not happy.

I cant do it anymore.

I want out.

Introducing......

Mia-Louise

Ok, so we had been speaking about getting a smaller dog for our girls as our 9 year old is a big boy and I cant walk him let alone the girls! I thought it over for 6 weeks before finally getting this beautiful little girl. At first I had dead set said no! But I caved in a weak moment.
Im also hoping that she will make myself start feeling a little better. :)

Our 3 gorgeous girls



A quick note...

So, I have de-activated my facebook account for awhile. I wrote a status tonight whilst feeling generally mentally unwell. A few beautiful lovely ladies asked me if I were ok and said they were their for me. A few of them I know only wrote things as they wanted to know what was the latest gossip in my life (they were family members, so no offence to any of the other ladies who asked after me)

Anyway, after writing a reply to someone, a panic attack appeared out of no where. I felt like I couldnt breathe. And was gasping for air. As soon as the man asked if I was ok, I fled the room. I literally jumped onto my bed and hid under the blanket. The man followed being really worried and held me while I took big gulps of air through large sobs and shaking all over.
I have experienced these before, but not to that extreme. Well, not that I can remember at this point. I do remember a few weeks back whilst shopping with the 3 year old and her going off with nanna that I experienced something of the sort.

The man goes back to work tomorrow after his 2 days off, and im scared. Scared of having another attack whilst home alone with the 3yr old. And no before you ask, there isnt anyone I could call to come sit with me as they couldnt give a shit about my mental health. Oh sure they promise to answer their phones no matter what time day or night but i have learnt that its all fake help. My calls for help go unanswered as do my txt messages. My own mother has the maturity of a 10 year old, so not much help there. And friends? HAHA! The only real friends I have are a few on fb who actually seem to give shit about someone else. I have no face to face friends here that will come running to me as I did once for them. pfft.

Anyway. The whole point of this post was to say to those few beautiful ladies who do care, iam not ignoring you. I have just de-activated my fb account as i need a break. If that makes any sense?
(ps. If anyone can direct the gorgeous kellie over this way, it would be muchly appreciated, have not yet mastered the art of sending a follow me request! if it is possible?)
So peace out ladies. Im off to the land of nod.

Family

This is what I picture in my mind when I think of families

In reality this is what my family is like...

and this folks is me...

Iam also ashamed to admit, Iam outcasted from relatives all because Iam my mothers daughter.
*sigh*

I really do wish I were adopted.

ps. Iam not meaning my gorgeous little family at home. :)