Its Tuesday. Again.
The mans at work. The girls at school/day care.
Its just me, the 2 dogs and the rain
(yes there is lots of housework as well, but im not looking at it)
The mans at work. The girls at school/day care.
Its just me, the 2 dogs and the rain
(yes there is lots of housework as well, but im not looking at it)
I know Ive been doing alot of sad, boring, angry posts lately, but Im sure somewhere along the line I warned you.
I love that the man finally has a stable job with a decent income, so bills etc are getting paid, but Im finding myself almost in tears every morning he says bye. Tuesdays and Thursdays are the worst. They are the days when its just me home.
I suffer from depression (cant recall ever dicussing this on here?)
I love that the man finally has a stable job with a decent income, so bills etc are getting paid, but Im finding myself almost in tears every morning he says bye. Tuesdays and Thursdays are the worst. They are the days when its just me home.
I suffer from depression (cant recall ever dicussing this on here?)
It is being treated, has been for the last 2 1/2 years, but I started to feel horrible again at the end of last year. I had extra stress adding to my already full basket of stress and I could feel myself slowly slipping back into depression.
There are days when I dont want to get out of bed. Or days where I just sit and do nothing. I have no motivation to do anything and when I do do things, im on auto pilot and hating every second of what ever it is iam doing.
I want to be a mummy who plays with her kids. Sits and paints. Goes to the park. Smiles instead of having tears running down her face. To be AWAKE instead of sleeping.
Should make one thing clear. My children are not being neglected through my bad time. They are well fed, bathed, in clean clothes and in a clean environment. They just dont have a happy mummy.
The man understands and is quite good about everything. If he comes home to no dinner a messy home and me sitting on my bed just bawling or staring out the window, he is ok about it. He will sit and hug me, make dinner, spend time with the girls and not complain once about it.
If he asks me a question such as, did you manage to wash my work clothes today and I reply with a mouthful of abuse, he takes it. Then says, sit down and calm down. It can be done later.
It really shouldnt be like this though. People around me think that Im normal. Im not normal. My mind is everywhere. If Im not crying, screaming, sleeping, Im blank. Flat. I feel no excitement at anything up coming. Just dread.
A few weeks back I was really bad. Couldnt leave the house to do the shopping. Dread the thought of leaving the house and having to talk to people and pretend that iam happy and everything is okay when its not.
My doctor says I will improve, but when? Its not like depression can be cured. Im going to have it forever.
I know there are going to be good times but I just can not see them at this point.
I hate being alone with my own mind. It thinks wrong. My brain doesnt work normal. Im not normal.
How can I be a good Mummy while im like this? I can sit and have cuddles, but lack any motivation to get up and play.
I just want it to go away. I want to be happy and normal.
There are days when I dont want to get out of bed. Or days where I just sit and do nothing. I have no motivation to do anything and when I do do things, im on auto pilot and hating every second of what ever it is iam doing.
I want to be a mummy who plays with her kids. Sits and paints. Goes to the park. Smiles instead of having tears running down her face. To be AWAKE instead of sleeping.
Should make one thing clear. My children are not being neglected through my bad time. They are well fed, bathed, in clean clothes and in a clean environment. They just dont have a happy mummy.
The man understands and is quite good about everything. If he comes home to no dinner a messy home and me sitting on my bed just bawling or staring out the window, he is ok about it. He will sit and hug me, make dinner, spend time with the girls and not complain once about it.
If he asks me a question such as, did you manage to wash my work clothes today and I reply with a mouthful of abuse, he takes it. Then says, sit down and calm down. It can be done later.
It really shouldnt be like this though. People around me think that Im normal. Im not normal. My mind is everywhere. If Im not crying, screaming, sleeping, Im blank. Flat. I feel no excitement at anything up coming. Just dread.
A few weeks back I was really bad. Couldnt leave the house to do the shopping. Dread the thought of leaving the house and having to talk to people and pretend that iam happy and everything is okay when its not.
My doctor says I will improve, but when? Its not like depression can be cured. Im going to have it forever.
I know there are going to be good times but I just can not see them at this point.
I hate being alone with my own mind. It thinks wrong. My brain doesnt work normal. Im not normal.
How can I be a good Mummy while im like this? I can sit and have cuddles, but lack any motivation to get up and play.
I just want it to go away. I want to be happy and normal.
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